Allow gender-fluid guest to decide

Dear Miss Manners: How do I address an invitation to any individual who has dual personas?

We have friends who are gender-fluid. One in particular is well-known as both male and female, with different names for each persona. How do I extend an invitation to this person without dictating which “version” of them I would like to appear. I’d like the invitee to decide who to be and what to wear.

Gentle Reader: Issue one invitation and address it using the conjunction “or” between the guest’s two names. That way your guest is free to decide which persona attends.

Miss Manners notes that the polite response for any guest is to confirm who among the invitees will actually be there (“Thank you for inviting both my husband and me, but unfortunately only I will be able to attend”). However, she assumes that in this case, you will be pleased to greet either one.

Dear Miss Manners: My wife is totally disabled and requires 24hour care. Fortunately, I have the means to provide her with a team of caregivers who look after her in our own home.

The employees are all young women, and I generally allow them to dress however they choose. One of them is particularly striking in appearance and very well-endowed. The concern is that she often wears clothing that is a little too revealing.

Although I’m old enough to be her grandfather, and totally loyal to my wife, some of her clothing choices still make me uncomfortable. How can I gently ask her to dress more modestly without embarrassing her or coming across as a dirty old man?

Gentle Reader: Requiring proper dress is within reasonable jurisdiction of an employer, especially, health care.

If there is a third-party employer, like an agency or hospital that might be better equipped to address the situation, go there first. But if you are the direct employer, you may say, “I wonder if it might be better for the team to wear caregiver attire. That way, we won’t worry about your ruining your dressy clothes with our mess.”

Send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com or email her at dearmissmanners @gmail.com.