10 rules to survive our sports scene

Being a South Florida fan can be challenging

Being a sports fan in South Florida right now is like being trapped at the intersection of a bad marriage, the Recession of the early 1980s and the Great Famine. No one’s winning. Everyone’s suffering to various degrees.

Remember back in the 1990s when Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson considered himself a failure for winning two playoff games in three years? That’d merit a parade these days. Besides the Heat, no local pro team has had a sniff of playoff success in 15 years.

How to survive as a fan? A state of sports emergency should be invoked and the following rules passed to get fans through this dismal time:

1. Bandwagon jumping isn’t just allowed, it’s encouraged. This is your getout-of-jail-free card to explain why our teams aren’t supported to the Charles Barkleys of the world. Seriously, what market’s fandom would be engaged by much of this? The Panthers haven’t won a playoff series in 22 years, the longest drought in hockey. The Marlins haven’t made the playoffs since 2003, which will be the longest drought in baseball if Seattle continues to play well this year. The Dolphins haven’t won a playoff game since 2000, which is remarkably only the NFL’s fifth-worst run. The Heat are the exception. So they remain near the top in attendance, too. But you couldn’t light a city block with the electricity given from this greater sports environment. You’re allowed to wait for a winner to jump fully aboard any team. Your therapist even encourages it.

2. There’s no day-trading on Pat Riley. None. Long ago he was, as they say in The Family, a “made” man. A legend. Our leg-