It is not your job to ‘out’ anyone

Dear Amy: I was widowed in my 30s, with three young children.

I began to date after two years. I met a very kind and thoughtful man, “Steven,” who accepted me and my children. We dated for two years.

By year two, he had stopped being attentive, and started to go out by himself. We eventually broke up because he couldn’t commit.

I started to realize that men were very friendly toward him when we were together. Nothing clicked that he might be gay. After several similar incidents, a friend confirmed that he is gay.

It has been over 20 years and I have since moved on, but the hurt is still there because there was no real closure except for abandonment.

He continues to date women and break up with them after two years. This is his pattern! I suspect that none of them knows the truth.

Why in this day and age when coming out is accepted, would someone deceive another person and continue to do this — over such a long period of time? — Heartbroken Again

Dear Heartbroken: Any person who is dating “Steven” now would probably understand that if he has never sustained a romantic relationship for more than two years over the decades, the guy likely does not want to commit, long term, to anyone.

Steven might not have intended to deceive you two decades ago. You could assume that he sincerely wanted to commit to you and your children, but found that he could not sustain his interest in you, for whatever reason.

Steven might be gay, or bisexual or something else altogether along the very wide sexuality spectrum. Unless he is physically or emotionally abusive, it is not your job to “out” him or to warn other women about his sexuality.

How, exactly, did this person “take advantage” of you? Do you think being in a relationship with you and your children for a short time should commit him to staying with you?

Put this failed relationship into a context with your other great loss (your husband’s death), and find a way to let go of lingering anger.

Readers can send email to askamy@amydickinson .com or letters to “Ask Amy” P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY, 13068.