Give what you want, without expectation

Dear Amy: My best friend “Maria,” who I’ve known since high school, has ghosted me three times within the last four years. Maria is like a sister to me. She is the godmother to my kids, as Iamto hers.

When we reconnect after her silence (which lasts months), it is because I initiate it. She apologizes and tells me that she loves me and misses me. She has explained that she was just going through things with her boyfriend and didn’twant to discuss it and therefore doesn’t return calls/messages.

Maria and I have always confided in each other, but I’ve told her that if there is something that she doesn’t want to discuss, that we don’t have to. But she keeps on dumping me, Amy. She acts like nothing has changed in our relationship. I cannot continue the friendship like that.

To be honest, I think there is something more than her having issues with her boyfriend, but she doesn’t want to tell me.

About nine months ago, I called and left two messages, letting her know that I would like us to meet so that we can discuss our friendship. She never called back.

She has broken my heart. I’ve been sad, angry, mad — and I feel abandoned.

Howcan I get past this? — Many Times Ghosted

Dear Ghosted: “Maria” may be involved in an abusive relationship that is isolating her fromher other friendships.

The other possibility is that Maria simply doesn’t value the friendship as much as you do. This doesn’t invalidate your history together, but it does change your future.

I suggest you try to change your own perspective on this relationship, and to give what you want to give without the expectation that you will receive an equal amount (or, perhaps anything) in return. Readers can send email to askamy@amydickinson.com or letters to “AskAmy” P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY, 13068.