Widower wants his ex to be caregiver

Dear Amy: I am an 85-year-old widower. My wife died three months ago.

I live with a “live-in” assistant who provides meals andgeneral assistance to me.

I have two grown children from a previous marriage, and three adult stepchildren frommy deceased wife.

Iwant to askmy ex-wife to move in with me to provide round-the-clock care.

She is 82, and is in favor of moving in with me. We’ve been divorced for 36 years.

The children disagree overdistributionofaninheritance after my passing and they think my ex-wife is too old to provide effective care.

I amtorn. Is acompromise possible?— Searching

Dear Searching: Your experience witnessing your late wife’s needs and caregiving requirements could be influencing you now.

Please understand that, no matter what you are going through, your late wife’s children are also grieving. Treat them with compassion. But you must ultimately do what you believe is best for you.

If there are questions about inheritance, reviewyour affairs and — if you want to — make arrangements to give your stepchildren their inheritance, or a share from their latemother’s estate, now.

My main question is why an 82-year-old woman would be eager to devote her remaining golden years to providing round-the-clock care for her ex-husband?

Will she be compensated for the care she is providing? What will you do when/if she gets sick and can’t provide the care youwant/require/expect?

You, she and your children should think this through very carefully and make sure that her rights and needs are acknowledged and protected, in writing.

A social worker with expertise in dealing with elder issues could help you to mediate the various constituencies, and provide additional resources.

Readers can send email to askamy@amydickinson.com or letters to “AskAmy” P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY, 13068.