Shifting narrative causes a family rift
Dear Amy: My husband and I (and our two children) are relocating. We have spent the past 18 months researching a really beautiful mountain community.
We were approved for a rental property there, but it fell through just as we were packing the moving truck.
Luckily, my (relatively well-off ) mother offered to help us BUY a house in this same area.
After a few days of mulling it over, we took her up on her generous proposition and she put in an offer on a house for our family. At first, she wanted to give the house to us, with no strings attached, as our early inheritance. Then she realized that she couldn’t afford that, and offered to rent it to us at below-market value so we could save for our own down payment.
But then she decided that it was an investment and tried to force us into moving to a nearby city instead.
Her response was that since she was footing the bill, she would buy a house where she saw fit, and our needs were secondary. The transaction fell apart amid many tears, and now we’re not speaking.
I’m not sure how to move forward. Please help. — Thanks, but NO Thanks
Dear Thanks: You cannot control your mother’s shifting narrative, any more than you could control her shifting dealmaking. Assume that she will not acknowledge or apologize for her role in this mess.
You can try to turn the page on this sorry affair by saying (to yourself, and to her), “I sincerely believe that you were trying to help. I appreciate your intentions, even though things didn’t work out.” After that, you should decline to discuss it, unless it is to accept her apology.
If she doesn’t accept this extremely generous take on things, then keeping your distance seems appropriate.
Dear Dr. Roach: I am 69 and I’ve been diagnosed with conversion disorder by two doctors who assured me it is not a mental problem, but that the only remedy is psychiatric counseling for childhood trauma. I have no memory of any physical or sexual abuse, although my childhood was sad due to non-nurturing parents. Your thoughts? — M.M.
Conversion disorder (also called functional neurological disorder) is poorly understood. The diagnosis often is not made or not explained clearly to the patient, which makes treatment difficult. The underlying cause is not well-understood by medical science. The term “conversion” refers to a psychodynamic theory that unconscious conflicts are “converted” to physical symptoms.
The psychodynamic theory is difficult to test, and there are other theories for the underlying cause. Evidence to support a neurological cause include an abnormal structure and function of some brain areas. Conversion disorder is uncommon in the general population. The symptoms in conversion disorder may include episodes that look like seizures (but which are proven not to be, by an EEG during an event); sensory symptoms like numbness; abnormal movements; and weakness or paralysis.
Accepting the diagnosis is a critical first step, and this means trusting the clinicians and trusting what they have done to rule out a different type of neurological problem. Making the diagnosis of conversion disorder before a thorough evaluation is complete is a big mistake. The fact that you trust your doctors is a sign of a good prognosis for you.
Treatment starts with education. Modalities that may be effective in people with conversion disorder include physical therapy, psychotherapy (including cognitive-behavioral therapy) and occasionally medications. The information at fndhope.org is very helpful.
Today’s Birthday: Home and family feed your heart. Discipline with physical fitness reaps satisfying results.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) (6) Slow down, and think things over. Reassess the situation. Wait to see what develops. Keep to practical priorities.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) (8) Get brilliant ideas from friends. Minimize risk, and keep your treasure stashed. Choose private over public engagements.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) (8) Your work is attracting attention. Avoid controversy or fuss, and focus on the job at hand. Do the homework, and make a great impression.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) (7) Get out and explore. Expand your territory. Don’t spend if you don’t have to. Take an educational journey with friends.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) (8) Handle finances, and strategize for growth and expansion. Avoid risky business. Don’t evade tough questions.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) (7) Collaborate with a partner to get farther. Discuss developments together. Keep your tone respectful, especially with authority figures.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) (8) The pace is picking up. Balance work obligations with healthy routines like exercise, rest and eating well.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) (8) Make time for fun and love. Choose in favor of family. Don’t overspend or overindulge. Pamper with simple pleasures.
Aries (March 21-April 19) (8) Things could get chaotic at home. Harmony arises in communication. Talk about passion, love and dreams.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) (7) Explore your surroundings. Get out and discover new terrain. Study a subject of your fascination.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) (8) Focus on making money despite current chaos. Stick to your budget. Somehow everything works out.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) (9) Personal matters have your attention. Stick to practical plans to avoid risk. Don’t stir up jealousies.