Pregnancy news is tinged with loss

Dear Amy: My husband and I just found out that I am pregnant. We weren’t planning this, but now that we’re over the shock we are happy. It will be the first grandchild for both of our families.

However, I’m nervous about telling my husband’s brother and his wife. They have been trying to have a child for more than five years. They’ve suffered through fertility testing and IVF, as well as a late-term miscarriage. It’s been incredibly painful for my husband’s whole family.

I know that they will be happy for us, because they are incredibly kind and loving people. But I also know that this will bring up a lot of difficult feelings for them.

How can we be sensitive to them in announcing and talking about our pregnancy? — Worried

Dear Worried: You are already sensitive to your in-laws’ situation and are kindly concerned about them. But if you deliver hugs and sympathy sobs along with your joyful news, this couple will feel condescended to and exposed. I think this news is best not delivered in person, where the couple might also feel blindsided and put on the spot.

You and your husband should email or call this couple to tell them, “We’re letting you know before telling other family members that we are pregnant. We are both aware of what you have been through to try to build your family, and our news is tempered by our wish that you weren’t going through this. We know you want the best for us, but we also want you to know that we completely understand if you want to have some space or are not inclined to celebrate.”

There is no need to be hushhush around them. Don’t apologize. But let them off the hook regarding baby showers, “gender reveals” (please, don’t have one), and any other baby-related hoopla. No matter what, be understanding and patient.