Grandma is trapped in her own home

Dear Amy: My 36-year-old daughter and 8-year-old granddaughter live with me.

Her income makes it difficult for her to get her own place. My daughter gets involved in one bad relationship after another, pays minimal attention to her child, drinks excessively, relies on me for childcare, rarely helps around the house and frequently pay the agreedupon rent of $300 a month.

I am nearing retirement age, but can’t actually retire, as it will mean selling my house to find something smaller that I could afford.

While I would be OK with telling my daughter that she needs to paddle her own canoe, I’m reluctant to abandon my granddaughter.

I’ve suggested, begged and hinted that my daughter get some counseling.

She has struggled with depression and anxiety and takes medication, that doesn’t help much. Any ideas? — In a Tough Spot

Dear Tough Spot: Your daughter cannot reach her potential, as a person and a parent, until she stops drinking. Her alcohol use interferes with her judgment, triggers depression and affects ambition and the efficacy of her medication.

And you cannot even begin to get out from under this until you get some professional and therapeutic coaching about how to stop enabling your daughter without abandoning your granddaughter. You have to create and maintain enough pressure and workable consequences to try to force your daughter toward change.

Accept the real possibility that your daughter will not change.

Contact the local department of Family and Children’s Services for a social worker to help you develop a plan and locate services. If your daughter refuses to attend sessions, go on your own.

Attend a “friends and family” support group (check alanon.org for a local meeting).