New aunt learns to deal with toddlers

Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our 20s. We have been married for two years.

He has three siblings and each has a child under the age of two. I heard from my mother-in-law that one of my sisters-in-law isn’t too happy with us because we don’t see the kids often enough and don’t reach out.

My husband’s family all live relatively close by, but they aren’t in daily contact.

I am an only child and have never had nieces and nephews before. My husband and I are expecting our first child soon and we own a business, so we are very busy during the week, and our weekends are consumed with remodeling the house to get ready for the baby. I don’t think they realize that I’m not a stay-at-home mom, and we can’t take days off.

How often should we be reaching out to my sistersin-law to make plans to see our nieces/nephews?

How do we make them understand we’re not being mean, but we’re just busy? — Confused Only Child

Dear Confused: I’d like to offer a shout-out regarding the special and endearing experience of being an aunt (or uncle). This relationship offers so many opportunities for ancillary parenting: for enjoying, mentoring and loving children who are tangentially your own.

When you are a parent, you will very likely want other family members to develop a close relationship with your child. Demonstrate toward these other parents and children the level of attention you might like your child to receive.

What you should not do is get defensive, or offer up excuses about how busy you are.

Also connect with these parents on social media.

Even if you don’t see them often, when you are with them lavish attention upon the child, show interest in the parents and follow up with a text or a call letting them know how adorable their toddler is.

Dear Dr. Roach: I am a 78-year-old with severe back pain due to compression of the nerve. My activities of daily life are more and more limited, and my quality of life is suffering. I am told I need a back operation, and I agree that it is necessary. However, when I consult with the anesthesiologist or pain management doctor about post-operative pain management, I always get vague and unsatisfactory answers. I am highly intolerant of opiates. I get violently ill, feel like my body and brain are turned inside out, perspire profusely and vomit.

I have no other health problems. Can you tell me what I can take for pain after a back operation other than opiates? — F.W.

Because opiates are such a problem for many people (due to intolerance, like yours, or a past history of abuse), there is increasing interest and expertise with performing surgery and treating post-operative pain entirely without them. Instead, pain is controlled with a combination of several treatments: non-opiate pain relievers, including anti-inflammatories and Tylenol; topical and regional anesthetics to block nerve fibers; and non-pharmacologic treatments including massage and meditation.

I spoke with an expert in the field, who noted that it is difficult to avoid opiates entirely, but that you could work toward minimizing the amount that you take. You would need a pain specialist who fully understands your concerns.

I do know of several hospitals that have expertise in this area, including Virginia Mason in Seattle and Hospital for Special Surgery in New York City.

I should note that your back pain hopefully will be better after successful decompression of the nerve. It’s getting through the first few days to weeks after surgery that will require expertise and planning.

Today’s Birthday: Enjoy strong financial growth this year. Steady home improvement supports your family. Shared accounts gain unexpectedly.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) (8) Work with a partner to get farther. Support each other with unplanned changes. Don’t give your opinion until asked.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) (7) Alterations to physical, health and work routines and practices offer new perspectives.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) (7) Take a refreshing pause. Reassess a romance or passion. Clean up any messes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) (6) Handle practical domestic priorities. Conserve resources; avoid assumptions and false hope.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) (7) A new story is emerging. The old one still clamors for attention. If you want new results, say something new. Reassess your communications strategies.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) (9) You’re in the eye of a storm. Financial chaos and confusion obscures your view.

Aries (March 21-April 19) (8) Consider the long-term impacts of different personal options. Avoid controversy or hassle.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) (6) Savor a peaceful sanctuary. Observe and wait for developments before choosing your next move.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) (7) Powerful negotiations convince others. Listen to friends. Align upon and clarify new group directions.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) (7) Focus to manage a professional challenge. Get support if necessary. Apply generous elbow grease. Take charge.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) (8) Review the background materials before determining your course. Guard your study time and do the reading. may need to decline a request. Prioritize education.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) (8) Focus on practical financial priorities. New circumstances require adaptation.