Unconditional love may mean separately

Dear Amy: My 31-year-old son is gay. His father and I love him unconditionally.

My mother is in her 80s, and our relationship is challenging, but I have made an effort in recent years to avoid conflict with her. I told her about my son’s sexuality many years ago; since then we avoid the topic.

My son was visiting us a year ago, and we invited my mother for dinner. She began to rant about gay pride events in our city drawing an unseemly, lawless crowd. My son respectfully debated her points. She instantly escalated the argument, and began to say that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to be open about their sexuality, and they deserved any bad things that happen to them by being out.

My son quietly sat there listening to this, but was clearly angry.

After she left, my son said he was “done” with her, and didn’t want to see her ever again. This broke my heart.

My son won’t consider making amends with his grandmother, and he does not attend family events where she is present.

I worry about my mother passing away with this conflict between them. Should I leave it alone? How can I go about getting the two of them in the same room again? — Devastated

Dear Devastated: Your mother is entitled to her opinions, and she seems equally comfortable with the consequence of expressing them.

If she wanted things to be different with her grandson, she could convey this.

Same with your son. If he wanted things to be different, he could make an effort. And yet, why should he be forced to “make amends”? He has done nothing wrong.

You love both parties unconditionally. This is laudable. It seems that you will have to continue to love them each separately.