Emotional affair affects workplace

Dear Amy: I have worked closely with a colleague since the beginning of our careers. We are both in our 30s and extremely close — she was there for me during my divorce, I attended her wedding, our kids have met and we do “non-work” stuff together.

She returned to work after a year off for maternity leave and something was different. We realized pretty quickly that we were actually in love with each other.

Though I am single, she is still very much married. We have been dancing around the issue, and have toed the line but never broken into a physical affair.

Ultimately, she has decided that in lieu of choosing between her husband and me, she is going to focus on her marriage.

Do you have anything to offer as to how I should deal with working so closely with someone I very much want but cannot have? — Work is Tough Enough

Dear Enough: Your characterization of her as focusing on her marriage “in lieu of choosing” between you and her husband sounds like a red herring.

You should assume that she has actually made this choice, and she is choosing him, and her family, over the personal destruction this affair could cause.

It is not easy to roll back this sort of intimacy, but it will get easier with time. You have a large emotional gap to fill. You have to “behave” your way out of this, and your feelings will follow.

For now, you and she should not communicate outside of work. Talking with her about your mutual feelings reinforces the emotional intimacy.

You need to build up a life that is separate from this person. You should force yourself to meet new people. Get out there. Take up a new activity outside of work. Give other women the opportunity to get to know you.