Dad is hurt when kids seek bio family

Dear Amy: My parents divorced when my brother and I were very young. We never had any contact with our biological father, or with his side of the family. Our mom remarried, and our wonderful stepfather legally adopted my brother and me.

One fateful day, when I was a teenager, I found my paternal grandmother and gave her a call. Since then we have reconnected with our father’s family, but not with our father.

During our visits home, we make a point to visit with these family members.Whenour “Dad” finds out we’re going to visit our other family, he gets sensitive.

How can we let him know that we don’t like that he makes us feel guilty for visiting/loving our other family? Is there a way we could help him with his insecurity? — Loving Children

Dear Loving: You should start by removing the quotation marks from your “Dad’s” status. The man who adopted you IS your father. He is legally, ethically and emotionally your father.

The so-called “Dad” in your life is the biological father who abandoned you and who refuses to see you.

You and your brother should sit down with both of your parents and be as honest, loving and respectful as you can possibly be. Tell your dad, “You are our dad, and you always will be. You will always come first for us. We know it is hard on you when we visit our biological family. Would you rather that we just never talk about it? We want to be honest with you. We don’t want to hide what we’re doing, but if that’s what you want us to do, we’ll try.”

If he responds that he doesn’t want you to see these other family members at all, you will have to tell him that this is off the table. You are adults, and you have the right to explore your biological roots, and to form your own relationships.