Grandfather’s death leaves questions

Dear Amy: My father-inlaw died by suicide. Because of his local prominence, the suicide made local news.

My mother-in-law insisted that none of the grandchildren (who were all very young) should be told how their grandfather died.

My husband agrees with me that our daughter eventually has the right to know how her grandfather died. I don’t want to disrespect his family, but I believe that our daughter has the right to know her complete health history.

My daughter is now learning how to use the internet and has started Googling her relatives’ names. It’s only a matter of time before she finds out about how he died. I feel my husband and I should guide the discussion.

My husband feels that because it’s his dad, he should decide how to talk about it.

I don’t want her to navigate her emotions on her own. I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to anger my husband and alienate my inlaws. — Anxious

Dear Anxious: Denial and secrecy surrounding a suicide is not a good thing — obviously. But people — especially loved ones who might still be struggling — have a right to privacy.

You seem overly invested in controlling a specific outcome. Yes, of course, your daughter will eventually learn about her grandfather’s death. But your stated concern about your young daughter’s “health history” seems disingenuous.

For family survivors of suicide, there is a distinct sort of pain and grief that is mixed with confusion, anger and — yes — sometimes shame. But this is your husband’s father you’re talking about. Let him handle this, and be supportive of him — even if he struggles.

When your daughter learns of this, make sure that you and her father also tell her about the fullness of her grandfather’s life, so that his death alone doesn’t define him.