New wife worries about hubby’s ex

Dear Amy: My husband had a long first marriage. He got divorced two years ago, and we started dating shortly after. We have been married for over a year now, and we have a newborn daughter.

The problem is that my husband communicates all the time with his ex! I confronted him about this. He said that she was a very important part of his life and that I need to wise up.

He said he has a lot of memories with her, and honestly, I understand that part, but it has been almost two years since we got married. I don’t think this should continue. What should I do? — Upset Wife

Dear Upset: Even if your concerns were NOT valid (and I think they are), it is disrespectful for your husband to respond to your honesty by telling you to “wise up.”

You are wise enough to see his relationship with his exwife as an encroachment on your marriage. Your husband simply does not get to tell you what to think or how to feel. Nor can you force him to exit from a relationship with his ex.

What you both must do is find respectful ways to communicate and to engage in behavior that grows and strengthens your marriage.

Both you and your husband need to put one another at the center of your relationshipworld.

You will gain insight into marriage’s trickier dynamics by reading marriage researcher John Gottman and co-author Nan Silver’s classic primer: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” (2015, Harmony). Read this on your own and discuss some of these principles with your husband. He should be inspired to read it, too.

Gottman’s research reveals that successful couples create indelible relationship imprints, and turn toward one another (not their exes) to tackle life’s little and large challenges.