Man’s double life hurts secret family

Dear Amy: My partner has two adult children from his previous marriage, and one adolescent child from a previous relationship. When we met, I was getting divorced, and his other relationship was dissolving.

We now have a 2-year-old, and we’re expecting our second child together soon.

He has never told his children about me or our child. He has a very good relationship with the adolescent.

The adolescent’s mother doesn’t want the child around me. My partner’s reason for not telling his child is he’s afraid the child won’t want to see him.

I desperately want his child to be a part of our lives. My partner keeps telling me that in time he’ll talk to his child about it. But it has been a couple of years!

What can I do to help? Do I just have to accept the child may never be a part of our lives? It feels like our life is a secret and it shouldn’t be. — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: First of all, I’m genuinely puzzled about why you would choose to have two children with someone who is keeping you — and now your children — in the closet.

Rather than face the reality that his adolescent might be confused, hurt and angry to learn that Dad has a whole other family, he is doubling down on the secrecy. His cowardice is needlessly creating a crisis for all of you.

You are a coward, too. If you don’t want your life, and your children’s existence, to be a deep and dark secret, then own it. Give him a nonnegotiable deadline.

Find a relationship counselor, make an appointment and state your very reasonable case that you will not stay in the closet. Map out a plan for this disclosure. If he refuses, you should reconsider staying in the relationship. This is not emotionally healthy for any of you.