Niece is harsh toward autistic child

Dear Amy: My 22-year-old niece told my teenage daughter to “shut up” during our Thanksgiving meal. The problem is, my daughter has severe autism. She makes odd and loud noises. She rocks. She has a hard time sitting still. Even though my daughter may seem like she’s in her own world, I promise you, she’s a smart cookie and I am certain that the words and ugly looks directed at her have an impact.

My husband says we should stop going to family functions.

I’ve told my niece point blank not to talk to my daughter like that, but it keeps happening. I guess she’s just young and ignorant, but I know lots of amazing young adults who would never speak that way to anyone.

My sister won’t do anything about it. My husband and I have strategies to help our daughter calm down, but they don’t always work, and sometimes she just needs to express herself as she does. And it’s almost always a joyful and happy expression. I actually enjoy her sounds. The kind people in our lives enjoy them, too! — Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned: I agree that your niece’s behavior is unacceptable. But please don’t stop attending family events. Connecting with family members who understand and love your daughter, just as she is, is good for all of you. You should reach out to your niece and tell her, “Your cousin has autism. The noises she makes are part of the way she communicates. She cannot always control her behavior. You don’t have autism; you can control yours. I understand that being around her seems to make you very uncomfortable, but your behavior toward her is unacceptable.” If there is a book or resource describing autism that you can share with your niece — education might help her to modulate her own behavior.