Assault survivor struggles to disclose

Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew. It took me years to admit it.

Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused or even angry.

How do I position this and bring it up in conversation? — Protected Secret

Dear Protected: First of all, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

My own take is that you might start by reframing — to yourself — the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you.

This is going to sound pedestrian, but I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation.

Write down your thoughts. Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted.

If you two have a loving future together (I assume you do), your and his stories go along with you.

You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org.