Reunion doesn’t go as planned

Dear Amy: I am adopted and have been in contact with my birth mother for five years. I have met her husband and their two sons. They have also met my husband, and our other family members.

My birth mother was disowned by her parents when she became pregnant. After I was born, she went to live with her grandparents.

I have learned that my birth father is deceased but was married with four children. According to my birth mother, he didn’t know about her pregnancy. I reached out to them.

After months of silence, I received a formal, terse letter signed by all four of them. They want nothing to do with me and threaten to contact their attorney. They warned me to “stay away” from their mother.

They said that given the circumstances, I would be an “embarrassment” to their family. And they wish to “protect” their mother from this knowledge.

I have no desire to hurt these people or intrude upon their lives. I was only hoping for a DNA test to confirm paternity.

Amy, what do you think? — Looking for Answers

Dear Looking: When people react the way your birth father’s family has, they are acting out of fear.

It seems most likely that knowledge of your very existence threatens to upend their ideas about their father, and hence — about themselves.

DNA testing has upended many family relationships, because it exposes the truth.

You have every reason to be upset. I think you also have every reason to celebrate your own resilience, the joys of your combined families and your healthy quest for knowledge.

You should do some legal research of your own to see what your options are, regarding forcing this issue — if you choose to.