Long-ago abuse brings on questions

Dear Amy: About 15 years ago, a close friend of mine was sexually assaulted at my house during a party I hosted.

It happened overnight in the guest room by a thentrusted boy from another school.

I remember her calmly waking me up that night asking if she could sleep in my room. The next day the boy was gone, and she told me what had happened. Our assessment at that time was: “Ugh, what a creep!” A few weeks later he dropped by our school and she ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet.

I never asked her about it, and I now feel terrible.

We’ve remained close over the years. We were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings and had our children in the same year.

About a year ago, my family and I were at her home when I noticed that she had a book on overcoming trauma.

I immediately thought of that night in high school. I’m wracked with guilt that it happened in my house, that I didn’t do more and that I never asked her about it.

Should I ask her about it, and if so, how? I don’t want to bring up painful memories for her. — Bad Friend

Dear Bad Friend: Your plaintive question is yet another example of how the impact of sexual assault ripples outward.

Yes, you should talk to your friend. You do not want to offload all of your feelings of guilt. You DO want to create a safe space for her to say whatever she wants to say.

Because you two do not maintain regular verbal contact, send a text: “Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about. Can you set aside some time so we can have a private call?”

Tolerate some silence. Tell your friend, “I love you; you are important to me. I hate the fact that you were hurt.”