Estranged dad is angling for an intro

Dear Amy: My estranged father has been in and out of my life for most of my life. My mother detests him. He has made some effort to be more involved in my life since I was 19 years old.

I am now 37, married and with three kiddos of my own.

I talk to my father two or three times a year on the phone. The hard part is that now he wants to meet my kids.

I am not trying to hurt him and certainly never want to hurt my mother.

I feel I am supposed to hate him for how crappy he was.

My mother and stepfather would be so hurt.

The reality is that my children do not even know who he is.

Is it worth the risk? — Broken Home Woes

Dear Broken Home: Your father’s request does not necessitate that you grant his wish.

Do your mother and stepfather know that you are in touch with him? Being transparent about this might help you all to get on the same page. Tell them, “You two raised me. You are my kids’ grandparents. You are my family. But dad calls me two or three times a year, and I want you to know that he has been in touch. I worry that you will think I’m being disloyal, but that is not my intention.”

You are not “supposed” to hate your father. If your mother and stepfather imply this requirement, then they are not parenting you well.

You ARE supposed to be loyal and protective toward your mother and stepfather, and your own children. Having a troublesome, crappy or toxic father dancing on the wing means that you will occasionally have to make some tough choices. When your kids are older, you should tell your own childhood story. They will learn that most families are complicated, and that you will always lean toward the people who love you the best.