Celibacy causes esteem to plummet

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my mid-50s. I had a brief, miserable marriage in my 30s, and have been happily single ever since.

“Jack” is 60, was married for his entire adult life, and has two grown kids. He thought his marriage was happy, but his wife just left one day, moving halfway across the country. After their divorce, Jack and I started dating.

Jack is loving and considerate. We talk through differences like rational people.

Still, my self-esteem has taken some hits. Jack did not choose to end his marriage, and being aware that he would prefer to be with his ex makes me feel like I’m the consolation prize.

Also, for some reason that he is unwilling to discuss, Jack does not want to be intimate.

Is a lack of sexual intimacy common in relationships between older people? — Confusedly Celibate

Dear Celibate: You say that you and “Jack” talk through your differences like rational human beings.

I don’t relish poking holes in your happiness, but Jack lets you assume that he would prefer his ex. He frames his marriage as having ended out of the blue. He won’t have sex with you, and won’t discuss it.

Has it occurred to you that this behavior might have contributed to his wife’s choice to leave?

Libido does drop for some people as they age, but it hasn’t dropped for you and no — I do not think it is the norm for people in this age group to be celibate. There is nothing wrong with choosing celibacy or living a celibate life. But you didn’t choose it. He did.

True intimacy entails being courageous enough to let yourself be loved through your weakest, weirdest, or more challenging moments. Intimacy starts with talking, disclosing, listening and responding honestly.