Smoker would rather fight

Dear Amy: My husband died last October.

I struggled being strong for our kids. When my dad and his wife offered for me to come and visit them, I jumped at the offer.

I needed to feel my dad’s hugs desperately. We were talking about me coming to stay with them. My father even said that they had a room in their home waiting for me.

I now hear that the room and their love for me has a stipulation: The catch is that I must stop smoking.

They say that my smoking makes them both sick, even though I walk away from the house to smoke. My father claims that I make his wife sick, and she claims that I make him sick.

I believe his wife has manipulated him.

I have worked my whole life to try to stop smoking and even before this stipulation was placed on me, I was once again trying to quit, but this news just tore me up. I feel so hurt.

How do I move past this? — Grieving Daughter

Dear Grieving: One way to move past this is to commit to trying, once again, to tackle your smoking addiction.

You don’t seem able, or willing, to see this from your father’s perspective: He IS offering hugs, and housing, and he is using this leverage to try to force you to deal with your smoking.

No non-smoker wants to rub shoulders with a heavy smoker, but for some people, the residue on your skin and clothing is truly toxic.

They are not refusing to love you. They are refusing to have you live with them while you are smoking.

You can consume nicotine without smoking cigarettes — through gum, lozenges, patches, prescription inhalers, and vaping. None of these should bother other people and may help you to become smoke-free.