Dad needs to rewrite old scripts

Dear Amy: My father was judgmental, critical, mean to my mother, and generally lacking in empathy or love. I can’t remember him ever saying “I love you.” He would start these fights with Mom that would make everyone uncomfortable.

My mother died

She modeled good

I’m now married (12 years, second time). I consciously vowed never to be like my dad.

I recently visited my brother and his wife. I immediately recognized the exact same behavior I detested in my dad, coming from my brother. He was constantly belittling his wife, and was impatient and critical. It was scary to watch, and took my breath away.

Recently, I started recognizing my father in me! Innocent little arguments with my wife became big ridiculous fights. I started using the same belittling language and angry tendencies!

I have tried so hard to model what I remember from my mother’s loving and gracious behavior. I tell my kids and wife I love them all the time.

Is this normal? Is there a way to quash this behavior? — Scared in Denver

Dear Scared: You are not consigned to behave as your father did. You have every advantage: You have your mother’s good example, and most important, you possess both awareness and the desire to change.

Stress will always bring out these very old scripts, but you can intentionally rewrite them, with your wife’s help.

Sit with her during a calm and private moment and talk about how you escalate these arguments.

Remember that all-important “fight or flight” animal impulse? You should always choose “flight.” Remove yourself. Cool down.

Always, always apologize. in 2007. parenting.