Mother needs a border wall

Dear Amy: My 14-year-old daughter, “Carrie,” has been in both inpatient and outpatient care for years for mood disorders, anxiety, depression, and self-harm.

She also struggles with a binge-eating disorder and has become quite overweight. She is under the care of a pediatrician, pediatric psychiatrist and therapist.

My mother is a major stressor. She takes every opportunity she can to talk to me about my daughter’s weight, how it negatively affects her life, ruins her health, etc. She also constantly asks me what I’m “going to do about it” and when I will “get her into a program.”

I have explained to my mother time and again that I take advice from experts who are managing her care.

My mother also continuously shares her negative viewpoints about my daughter’s makeup, hair, and clothing choices.

I really need boundaries.

What would you advise? — Exhausted Mom

Dear Exhausted: Building a boundary is sometimes like putting up a picket fence: You install it, slat by slat. And sometimes, building a boundary is like lowering a garage door: You say what you are going to do, and then you do it. And then you keep doing it calmly until the person catches on.

Be aware that if you really lowered the boom, you wouldn’t be able to vent to your mother or use her as a sounding board. This requires discipline on your part.

Explain: “I cannot handle your constant negative reaction. You have the right to your opinion, but what I need right now is love, support, and positivity. I’m going to stop discussing ‘Carrie’s’ situation with you.”

When your mother asks how Carrie is doing, say, “She’s hanging in there,” and change the subject. to set some