DIL doesn’t want forgive adultery to

Dear Amy: Several years ago, my mother-in-law, “Betsy,” was unfaithful. This tore their family apart. More than once, Betsy asked my husband to “break the bad news” to “Anthony,” (his dad), .

Iwas furious with her. My parents were abusive duringmy childhood. My inlaws had always been wonderful. I saw them as a “replacement” for my broken family.

Her husband welcomed her back and acted like nothing had happened.

My father-in-law told me that I was also to act like nothing had ever happened, and that this was forgiveness.

The respect I used to have for them is gone.

I am polite; I go to family gatherings, but it feels like a chore. My husband tells me he understands, but I know he would like me to be friendlier.

I would feel best not having to be around them at all, but we want our kids to see their grandparents.

What would you recommend?— Unforgiving?

Dear Unforgiving?: People can be stupid, unethical, dishonest, and hurtful. In a long marriage, partners sometimes betray one another.

Because of your personal history, you set great store on your in-laws to be the perfect parents that you never had.

Among the mistakes they madewere to involve their son as a go-between in their marriage. They also seem to be insisting that you erase your memory bank.

Ideally, because they involvedyouintheproblem, they would also involve you in the solution by telling you:“We are working out our problems within the marriage. We hope that youwill hang in there with us whilewe do that.”

The way for you to recover fromthis is not to drink acupof “instant forgiveness,” but to explore your ownforgiveness.