Patient friend now ‘comfort bot’

DearAmy: I have a perfectionist friend. I used to find her neurotic nature endearing, but not now that we’re both parents.

This started when we were both pregnant at the same time. My pregnancy was a (happy!) accident. She planned her pregnancy for the perfect time. Still, she panicked about the smallest things. I rolled with it.

I’m not sure I can, anymore. It’s not even her frequent complaining that bothers me most. It’s that she no longer seems to care about me as a person. I’ve become some kind of “comfort bot” she messages, gets a response from, and ignores.

Mostly, I respond with the same stock empathy phrases: “That sounds hard!” “Hope it gets better soon!” “Poor thing!,” and hope she doesn’t notice.

I know that, as mothers, we’re supposed to support one another no matter what and thatwe should give each other permission to complain about the little things. (Especially now!)

I don’twant to be the kind of woman who doesn’t do that, but truly, I can’t support this woman in this way any longer. What should I do?— TiredMommy Friend

Dear Tired: Oh yes, the “comfort-bot.” What a perfect description of what it feels like to reliably deliver comfort, encouragement, and empathy — in short, the key elements of being a supportive friend — and to never receive same in return.

Motherhood seems to have intensified her already intense reaction to life. She reaches out, you respond, she ignores.

But guess what? You have needs, too. If you believe it is genuinely important for her to vent to you, then yes, respond with a “heart emoji,” and leave it at that. Otherwise, I suggest backing away from a relationship that seems to have run its course.