Friend needs soft place to land

Dear Amy: I have a friend whois going through a really rough patch in her life; she’s facing possible divorce.

She’s in therapy and marriage counseling, but she’s experiencing sadness and mental anguish.

She claims she’s not suffering from depression, but I’m not so sure.

As her friend I’m trying to be supportive and understanding; I listen to her, try not to give advice, but instead just be supportive.

I try and remindher of the joys in lifeandencourageher to take a mental break now and then. I also offer to hang out with her, but she almost always declines.

Is there anything else Ican do?— Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend: I shared your letter with poet Maggie Smith, whosewonderful new book: “Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity, and Change” would be a good gift for your friend.

Here’s Maggie’s response: “You’re already doing the most important thing: showing up. You’re listening, offering support, not imposing solutions.

“What made the biggest difference for me during my divorcewas stability fromothers. This unwavering support took many forms. I didn’t need anyone to “fix” it for me; I just needed people to be with me.

“Your friend is going through an extremely destabilizing experience in an already destabilizing time. I picture divorce as the center of a Venn Diagram where so many circles of feeling overlap: sadness and grief for the life you had; fear and insecurity about the future; guilt about not being able to ‘fix it.’

“She may or may not be depressed, but she is certainly grief-stricken and reeling. It’s normal to feel heartbroken. It’s also normal to pull away. Be patient with her.

“Above all: even if you have to physically keep your distance, keep showing up. Be a soft place for her to land.”