Friend wants to out abuser to others

Dear Amy: I helped one of my neighbors to leave her emotionally abusive husband.

He lives nearby and sometimes joins a “social- distancing happy hour” on the block.

The others don’t know about his mistreatment.

My secret desire is to “out” him as an abuser.

What’s the best way to handle this? — Hate Keeping This Secret

Dear Hate: I believe that the best way to react to this person is to show up and claim your own space in the social sphere - and completely ignore him.

Narcissistic traits are common and recognizable.

A true narcissist will want to provoke a response from you, and then will blame and bully you into being on the defensive - and you won’t even realize it. The encounter will only start to make sense to you later.

By confronting him or reacting emotionally if he confronts you, you will have made his day. He might walk back to his house after a confrontation, believing he’d just had a triumphant experience.

You’ve already done your job, which was to help a friend. Your privilege now is to continue to behave with integrity, and simply not play this game by the rules he knows, but by the rules you set. You may think to yourself: “I despise you. I’m onto you. But you don’t ‘ run’ me. Therefore, I have decided that you are of absolutely no consequence.”

The decision to “out” this person to others who know him should be made by his former wife. If you did this too soon in her process, you might unwittingly invite him back into her circle, giving him an excuse for contacting, because you — her friend — had been “mean,” “unfair,” or had “embarrassed” him in front of others.