Person wants to learn not to judge

Dear Amy: I come from a very judgmental family, and I’m wondering how to break the awful habits I learned.

Growing up, my parents would badmouth the relatives we had just seen.

As adults, my boyfriend and I have not been spared, either. The day after, my mom will tell me things I did “wrong.”

Not only is it annoying, but I find myself doing the same thing now to other people, and I hate it!

Do you have any advice on how to break the cycle? — Judged and Judging

Dear Judged: You know the admonition, “Judge not, lest you be judged...” and now you are experiencing the reality of this. Harsh judgment and gossip are insidious and destructive to relationships.

The way to break a lifetime habit is by mindfully addressing your habit, one incident at a time. You can do this by giving yourself a visual/sensory reminder (put a rubber band on your wrist and give yourself a little “ping” every time you find yourself engaged in judgmental thinking). Every time you resist this terrible habit, you should recognize your tiny triumph and mentally give yourself credit: “Today, I resisted my habit of harshly judging and gossiping five times. I’m getting better at this.”

If your folks pick apart you and your boyfriend after every encounter, the rational conclusion for you to draw would be, “My parents don’t enjoy our company. Therefore, we won’t expose them to the source of their displeasure so often.”

You may be able to retrain those around you, over time, by hitting “pause” every time the dynamic shifts toward judgmental. You say, “Well, this conversation seems to have taken a turn, so I’m going to hop off. I’ll talk to you later.”