Family member seeks advice about giving advice

Dear Amy: Can you help me to understand the boundaries of offering advice? COVID-related circumstances mean my 35-year-old daughter must make an employment decision involving relocation.

I have insights into her potential relocation choices that she does not have. What I know on this topic could affect her ultimate happiness.

She hasn’t asked for my insight, so I haven’t given it. Should I anyway?

I suspect she’d be OK with what I have to say, but her husband might react badly. He’s a kind of guy who might interpret input as meddling . — Reluctant Adviser

Dear Reluctant: I have a faded sticky note stuck to the bulletin board over my desk: “Unsolicited advice is almost always self-serving.”

It is vital that I rein in my own tendencies toward friends and family. I’m not always successful.

The wise choice not to offer unsolicited advice does not mean that you should always proactively keep a lid on things, certainly if you possess actual insight.

One way to handle this would be to invite your daughter to solicit your advice.

You can say, “I have some insight about your relocation ideas, based on my own experience. I don’t want to get in your way, but if you’re interested, let me know and we can talk about it.”

Her husband is not in charge of her conversations with you. If she asks for your opinion, you should offer it, regardless of how you think he might interpret it. Whether your daughter chooses to follow your recommendation should be completely up to her - and so you should detach from any particular outcome.