Perspectives on addiction, recovery

Dear Amy: My wife and I are in our early 70s. We are blessed with wealth and good health, but no mental peace.

Our only son is a recovering alcohol and drug addict. He is married and has two sons.

Every few months, he relapses. His wife gets very upset and writes us lengthy letters asking us to intervene.

Her letters insinuated his addictions were our fault, and we did not give our son enough support in rehabilitation, which is not true.

We did everything in our capacity. But now nothing is in our control. We try to give advice to our son, but he does not listen to us, and he lies. We do not have the courage to tell our daughter-in-law to stop writing us out of fear of alienating her and losing our contact with the grandsons.

She does not understand that the situation is beyond our control.

What can we do to bring peace? — Distraught Grandparents

Dear Distraught: If your only child has an addiction disorder, total peace and tranquility are probably not in the cards for you. Your son’s disease affects everyone around him. As parents, you need to continue to do the work of detaching from his addiction while still loving him and his family.

When she beseeches you for support, you should offer it!

You could tell her how sorry you are she is coping with this, remind her to do her very best to take good care of herself and to keep the children safe, and offer her ideas and resources.

You don’t need to accept responsibility for your son’s relapses.

Do not continue to offer advice to your son. Only offer help if it supports his recovery.

I highly recommend a support group for all of you.