Family secret destroys a lifelong friendship

Dear Amy: I’m holding on to a longtime family friend’s secret, and it’s very upsetting.

My friend “Chris” and I grew up together. We acted as members of family. We are now middle-aged.

Our mothers were friends from kindergarten on, until each of their untimely deaths.

I was given a burden when my parents told me that Chris has a different father than the man who raised him and who he thought was his father.

His parents took their secret to the grave.

Does this need to stay a secret, now that his parents are dead?

How would he benefit if I told him now?

I stopped our friendship a few years back. Should I tell him? — Holding a Secret

Dear Holding: You don’t know if this “secret” is true. It was passed along by people who are not available to verify.

Your situation is a perfect example of how destructive family secrets can be. Your lifelong friend has lost the benefit of your friendship, without knowing why.

Yes, you should disclose this to him, but through the context of your friendship. You should frame this as a decision that the elder generation made many years ago, that engulfed your treasured friendship.

Tell him, “I want to explain why I’ve kept my distance. My parents told this to me, and I realize that I let it create a wall between us. Now my big regret is that I let it happen. I have no idea if this is even true, but I assume you could try to verify it if you wanted to, through DNA testing. Regardless, I hope you will accept my apology for keeping this from you. I feel terrible about my own choice, but I honestly did not know how to handle it.”