Disclosure puts in-law in the middle

Dear Amy: My sister-inlaw told me that she was molested as a teenager. She told her mother after the abuse happened, to which her mother replied: “Everyone loses their virginity somehow.”

My sister-in-law has a difficult relationship with her mother, and my mother-in-law is not happy about it.

My husband does not have any idea this occurred and blames his sister for the relationship with their mother.

His mother often questions me, asking if l know why my sister-in-law is distant.

Should l tell my husband or mother-in-law the truth or take this to my grave?

I feel caught in the middle. — Very Concerned

Dear Concerned: You should encourage your sister-in-law to seek professional help in order to continue to process what happened to her, as well as her mother’s response.

Why did she disclose this? Is she hoping you will mediate? Has she asked you to?

This trauma — and the pressure of holding her emotions in — continues to affect her and her relationships. She has been violated and then betrayed — her trust in you is something you should protect.

I don’t think it would be fruitful for you to attempt to mediate with her mother, but because you are married to her brother, and he blames his sister for her relationship problems, you should encourage her to disclose this to him.

You could also ask her if she would like your help in talking to him. Perhaps with you there, she would feel safer and supported.

When your mother-inlaw queries you about why her daughter is so distant, you should respond: “You are really asking the wrong person. I hope you two can work things out.”

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