Mother-daughter estrangement remains a mystery

Dear Amy: My daughter and I were estranged from the time she was 16 until she was 28.

I don’t know why. I haven’t asked — and I won’t.

Now we have the relationship I’ve always wanted.

She visited me for a week and we had a wonderful time.

She and I are going to Ireland on holiday in October.

I’m concerned I might do the same thing that alienated her years ago, but not knowing what it was, I can’t monitor my behavior against it.

Should I ask her to tell me if I annoy her?

Should I keep quiet? — Adoring Mom

Dear Adoring: It’s hard to imagine not being curious about the reasons behind a decade of separation between a mother and her child, but your lack of curiosity about it tells me that either you already know, or that you have a very high tolerance for being controlled by another person.

If it were possible to put all of those years into a completely locked box and to start with a clean slate — then I’d tell you to go for it, but you are already worried about the possibility of setting off another estrangement simply by being annoying.

I have news for you: Everyone is annoying.

Until you two are brave enough to at least attempt to discuss those missing years, you will continue to be destabilized by the possibility of it happening again. Intimacy can be hard work. You can try to open a conversation by asking her some open-ended questions about the estrangement. What was it like for her? What is it like for her now to be in touch again? Can she describe from her perspective what led to this break?