Chrismukkah inspires new holidays

Ham-stuffed latkes. Menorah lighting under the mistletoe. It’s time to break out the dreidels and stockings for Chrismukkah, the most magical time of the year for South Florida’s many interfaith families. You can’t spell Chrismukkah without Christmas and Hanukkah, and this year’s holiday collaboration is a rare treat. For just the fourth time in 116 years, the start of Hanukkah falls tonight, on Christmas Eve. It’s enough to make a young Judeo-Christian child’s heart explode with simcha and joy.

In honor of this special Chrismukkah, I’m proposing a new slate of combo holidays. Here’s a sampling:

ThanksKippur: Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, involves 24 hours of intense fasting and reflecting. Then comes the break the fast gorge.

We already have Thanksgiving, a holiday that revolves around stuffing your face. It’s only logical to combine these two days.

Imagine ending your fast with turkey, stuffing, sweet potato casserole and a side of matzoh ball soup. It would give children an incentive to fast — just don’t tell them about the indigestion that’s sure to follow.

There are some logistics to work out, like who wants to cook a turkey while fasting? It also opens the door for a ThanksKippur delivery service. Jobs, anyone?

Super Luther King Day: Millennials probably don’t know that there was a heated debate in the 1980’s over honoring Martin Luther King Jr. with a federal holiday. It eventually happened, but it’s the sort of forgotten national holiday. It creeps up on you just a couple weeks after Christmas and New Year’s, and most non-public employees are stuck at work.

There’s an easy solution — move it back to early February. Sure, it’ll be a couple weeks after Dr. King’s birthday, but it’ll kickoff Black History Month, and you can hold it the day after the Super Bowl — a unproductive work day that America badly need for rest and relaxation.

Super Luther King Day would garner a ton of buzz during the big game and it would give one of our nation’s most revered leaders the prominent holiday he deserves.

President’s Festivus: Is Festivus a real holiday? Well, it’s inspired some loyal followers after it was introduced on Seinfeld. The airing of grievances is a fantastic way to tell your family how you really feel.

Festivus is such a fan favorite, that we can do it again in late February, during President’s Day Weekend. We’re supposed to honor our nation’s past commander-in-chiefs, but wouldn’t it be more fun to air grievances?

“Hey Jimmy Carter, I had to sell my prized ’72 Chevy Chevelle thanks to the oil crisis. You should’ve stuck to peanut farming!” or “Hey Dubya, I’d shove my 401(k) down your throat but I lost it in the recession!”

Trump will lead the President’s Festivus ceremonies. You know he can air a grievance.

Valoween: Admit it, Valentine’s Day ain’t what it used to be after 25 years of marriage. Don’t fret, it’s an easy fix with a costume shop that’s begging for customers months after Halloween.

If you haven’t been out on the town for Halloween recently, you’re probably unaware that today’s costumes look they were yanked right off the shelf of an adult novelty shop. Twentysomethings parade around in outfits that look more suited for a night of role playing than a Halloween party.

Enter Valoween, the pairing of two holidays that need each other. Cinco de Patrick’s Day: There’s nothing Mexican or Irish about Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day, at least not in South Florida. Let’s face it, it’s become an excuse for midweek drinking. So what would happen if we combined them into one giant party?

Corona and Guinness. Tequila and whiskey. Let’s make this holiday a week for maximum recovery.