The steps you take

Like the method for last month’s hallowed meatloaf, the method for beans is easy: Simply combine all your ingredients and simmer until done.

Granted, we include other steps to make flavorful the otherwise bland bean. Nonetheless, that nine-word dictum speaks to a larger truth — namely that beans, being as dry and hard as Lenin’s scalp (ewww!), are rendered palatable only by cooking them in liquid long enough to make them as moist and tender as the glistening cheeks of a baby clam. You heard me. Clam cheeks. As per our maddeningly repetitious norm, let’s start by discussing the ingredients: Beans are in the family

aka the legume family. This family also includes several genera whose products behave very much like beans in the kitchen, namely peas, lentils and garbanzos. Thus, even though we’re talking beans, you can apply today’s principles to any of those aforementioned goodies.

Water is dandy, though I prefer stock or canned broth because it adds more flavor. Or half stock, half water.

The common wisdom is that you should soak your beans before cooking. Turns out, that’s not really necessary. The idea behind soaking is to make them absorb water and decrease the cooking time. Fair enough, but why bother? Beans take a while to cook anyway. Just start them a little earlier in the day.

Another alleged benefit of soaking is that it makes the beans more “digestible,” if you know what I mean. Without a long explanation, just suffice it to say, no, don’t count on it. (Please, gassy readers, no lengthy diatribes citing awkward personal anecdotes.)

A third alternative fact from the beanish rumor mill concerns salt in the cooking liquid. “Don’t do it,” the Bland Beaners cry, “or they’ll never get soft.”

“Pish posh,” sez I. Season the cooking liquid, about half a tablespoon of kosher salt per quart, as soon as it comes to the simmer. The liquid should taste properly seasoned.

Recall that beans aren’t pizza; they’re not a vehicle for delivering other ingredients. Thus, the ingredient list is limited mostly to things that will enhance their flavor. Aromatic vegetables (onions, peppers, garlic, etc.), herbs and spices are nearly always included. Tomatoes, perhaps. And pork: bacon, salt pork, ham hocks, etc. Pork products deepen the flavor, and the extra fat gives the beans a creamier mouth feel.

Here’s how I’d make a pound of dried beans:

1. Crisp up half a pound of bacon lardons.

2. When they’re halfway there, add your aromatics and sweat for a few minutes.

3. Add your beans and enough liquid to cover them by about an inch. Bring it all to a boil, then reduce to a simmer.

4. Add salt until the liquid tastes perfectly seasoned, then cover the beans and simmer until they’re as soft and creamy as silk pajamas dipped in warm butter. (That’s my smartphone’s simile app talkin’.)

Depending on the kind of beans and how old they are (beans continue to dry out on the shelf ), and depending on whether you soaked or not, this could take anywhere from an hour to three

Pinto beans are cooked with bacon, then served with grated cheese and fresh cilantro.