Language can confuse a child

Dear Amy: I have a 4-year-old daughter. Her father and I separated when she was a baby. We share custody.

He has a long history of being hostile to me, including threats and insulting emails/texts, yelling for hours over actions I never did, not helping with chores or bills, etc.

Things between us have only moderately improved in the last four months.

I acknowledge that while he can be a jerk to me, he is caring and affectionate with our daughter.

When he comes over to pick her up, he waits outside.

Last week she asked, “Why doesn’t he come inside?”

I provided a one-sentence factual answer with age-appropriate vocabulary: “Because he was mean to me and the cat.”

I do not talk about her father in front of her. But as she ages, how do I answer her questions about him or our past together? While I am willing to keep the past in the past, I do not want to lie or pretend these hardships never existed. — Wondering Mom

Dear Wondering: You might have used age-appropriate language and concepts with your 4-year-old, but you also burdened her with knowledge she doesn’t have the maturity or context to handle.

You also called her father a “mean” man, and then you sent her out into the world to be with him! How confusing for her. And — with your one sentence — you put her in the middle of your drama.

Children your daughter’s age are just starting to understand the concept of friendships, so you could frame your situation in those terms. You could say, “Daddy and I are trying to be better friends, but for now I just want to wave to him when I say goodbye to you. The most important thing is that we are both cuckoo-bananas about you, and I’m really happy that he is such a good daddy.”

There is never a need for you to tell your daughter that her father is a mean jerk. Unless he presents a danger to her, this is one case where you should not be completely factual and truthful in order to allow your daughter to form her own relationship with him.