Husband shouldn’t pay daughter’s loans

Dear Amy: I have a 33-year-old stepdaughter. She’s single, well-educated, has a very well-paying job and rents an apartment. She has goals to marry, buy a house, have children and have other life experiences.

But she has $60,000 in outstanding student loans.

I am very concerned that she is not paying down those loans, particularly while she spends money on travel and discretionary purchases.

We are not in the financial position to do so.

As stepmother, I am not able to directly address these matters with her and her father is in a hesitant/ reluctant state of mind. Plus, he feels guilty that he isn’t able to just write her a check.

How can I help him to help her? — Worried Stepmother

Dear Worried: One of the burdens of being a stepparent is that you spend much of your parenting time watching from the sidelines and judging the choices and parenting style of your spouse.

But you don’t carry the guilt your husband does. You will never worry about this daughter in the same way he does.

You aren’t afraid of this daughter’s wrath quite the same way he is.

My main advice is to let this 33-year-old woman live her life the way she chooses to. She sounds smart enough and functional enough to do the math and see where her choices lead her. I’m not sure why she is informing or involving you in her loan load or repayment schedule, but the message from your husband to his daughter should be, “I wish I could, but I cannot and will not help you to retire this debt.”

If she is taking expensive vacations and then complaining to you about her debt, then you get to say, “If the way you are living is good for you, then keep doing what you’re doing. If not, then you’re smart enough to figure out how to make different choices.”

Your husband should not bail out any family member without your assent.