Celebrations are not money grabs

Dear Miss Manners: I received a letter from a friend soliciting donations for a co-worker of hers whose stepmother had died. There was nothing in the letter indicating what the money was needed for, or if it would go to a charity — only a reference to a funding website created by the family of the deceased. As far as I know, they are not needy, and the children are grown.

I know families solicit donations for charity in memory of the deceased or to help out if the deceased had dependents, but I’ve never heard of a situation like this. Am I just clueless or is this a typical request?

Gentle Reader: Unfortunately, many people now think of friendship on a pay-as-they-go basis — from birth and birthdays to graduations, engagement, marriage and through the birth cycle again. Every step seems to require payment. And yes, Miss Manners regrets to say that many have added death as a fundraising opportunity.

It began with the reasonable notion of avoiding a surfeit of flowers by suggesting a charitable donation to a cause connected with the deceased’s interests or illness.

But now it seems to be an automatic assumption that the bereaved need to be paid. Miss Manners would think that solvent people would be offended by the idea that money is some sort of compensation for a death.

Dear Miss Manners: Soon I am hosting a graduation party for my stepdaughter. Her mother invited several of her friends to without asking me. When I asked my stepdaughter if she wanted them there, she said, “They might bring money.”

I am appalled at her attitude that a graduation party is a money grab. Also, how do I tell her mother that if she wants to invite her friends, then she should throw a party and not expect me to foot the bill?

Gentle Reader: Personally, Miss Manners believes that the guest lists of graduation parties should consist of graduates and their friends. Additionally, your calculating the cost of what the mother’s friends might eat is as grubby as your stepdaughter’s response.