What MEN want

Real dads don’t do dining out. Real dads man the grill. Mike Mayo’s Father’s Day column.

On Father's Day, this dad would rather be grilling (and chilling)

For certain holidays I feel compelled to offer restaurant roundups. Father’s Day is not one of them. On Father’s Day, dads should fire up their backyard grills and make steaks, burgers and hot dogs for the family. We are not mothers, who deserve flowers and chocolates and fancy restaurant meals on their special day, for all the thankless things they do.

Fathers are stoic. We do lots of things but we don’t complain, and we don’t need a day of pampering. Sure, we deserve a day to call our own and a day to receive useless ties we’ll never wear. But real dads don’t want to be wined and dined. Real dads want to unwind with a beer as coals burn into white hot embers before we sizzle flesh.

Peace and solitude might be too much to ask, so we gladly endure the commotion of screaming kids splashing in the pool or running around the backyard as rivulets of sweat drip onto the grill (but not on the meat). If we are lucky we get a respite earlier in the day, per-

haps a few hours to play 18 holes or the early daily double at the track.

But you can spare us a family trek to some brunch place with omelette stations and bottomless mimosas. Or worse, bottomless Bloody Marys. Any self-respecting person knows bottomless Bloody Marys are bloody useless, since there is no reason to consume more than one (maybe two).

And you can spare us a trip to some fancy steakhouse where they have white linen tablecloths, designer knives as big as chainsaws and supersized checks to match. Real dads sure as heck don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on steaks, bourbon and cigars when we could do it at home for a fraction of the cost. Even if someone else picks up the tab.

Ever since Mother’s Day my inbox has been flooded with press releases and promotions for Father’s Day dining deals. I will not countenance such activity. For diners and publicists keeping score, here are the holidays that rise to dining roundup status: Valentine’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

Real men eat quiche. But real dads don’t do restaurants on Father’s Day. This dad would rather be chilling and grilling.

Buy Dad expensive bourbon and cigars

DON’T Take Dad out to a fancy restaurant

Take Dad out for bottomless Bloody Marys

Still give Dad a useless tie

DO Let Dad grill some meat

Let Dad get in a round of golf

Let Dad chill with a beer

The Eat Beat Mike Mayo