Oh, such dangers in Lauderdale, the ‘least safest’ city in America

I walk in danger. Fear is my constant companion as I make my way down the main drag of the town just designated the least safest city in America. Hazards lurk everywhere down this mean street they call Las Olas.

Out of nowhere, a shih tzu lunges for my pants leg. That’s how it is, along hell’s own boulevard. Packs of killer Pomeranians, pugs, Pekineses, Chihuahuas lurk under the tables of the sidewalk cafes, ready for ambush, only held back by pastel leashes clipped to their bejeweled collars.

Old farts with their third edition trophy wives prowl the road in their Italian sports cars — Maseratis, Ferraris, Lamborghinis — adding to the aura of menace that haunts the streetscape, especially if they attempt to parallel park.

Speaking of menace, joints along Las Olas peddle the kind of dangerous fare — Mackinac Island fudge, dulce de leche gelato, sea-salt caramel ice cream, artisan chocolates (“Truffle,” as Sam Spade muttered, “is my middle name.”) — apt to terrify your cardiologist. Not to mention the two cigar shops. And have you seen those heart-stopping prices in the art galleries?

No wonder WalletHub’s “expert analysts” concluded that Fort Lauderdale ranked dead last for safety among America’s 182 major cities. Especially during happy hour. (We barely nosed out St. Louis, Number 181.)

The WalletHub ratings, released just this week, might seem counterintuitive to anyone who has ever been lost in a dodgy neighborhood in Baltimore (#151) or read about the gang killings in Chicago (#135) or the opioid crisis in Huntington, West Virginia (#29) or the border murders in El Paso (#38) or visited the wildfire-consumed hills of Los Angeles (#143 ) or contemplated the potential storm surge that threatens Tampa (108), or considered just how damn walk-outside-and-freeze-to-death cold it is in WalletHub’s Number One safest city in America, Nashua, New Hampshire. Consider that Fargo is ranked out 177 cities ahead of Fort Lauderdale. I’ve seen the movie. What about those wood chippers?

Yet, WalletHub’s criteria crunchers decided that Fort Lauderdale rates rock bottom last in public safety, 23 cities down the rankings from Newark.

Best I can tell, the expert analysts must have considered the ever present danger of getting clunked on the noggin by a martini glass dropped from the 40th floor of one of those gleaming new Fort Lauderdale condo towers. Or the chance us Lauderdale residents will perish in the path of a runway pedicab. We get out of bed every day, knowing that our water taxi could be devoured by a killer manatee. Or that a bale of marijuana might come crashing through the roof (which actually happened one night in 1979 in a trailer park in West Hollywood, which is close enough). Or that an iguana will climb out of the sewer pipe and emerge in your toilet bowl (happened last week in Hialeah). Of course, we’ve long lived with the acute danger that Lauderdale wives will run off to Mexico with the tattooed cabana boy they met at the condo pool.

Never mind the terrorists, the gangbangers, the disgruntled gunslingers that plague other cities, WalletHub has obviously calculated the clear and present danger that Fort Lauderdale residents will wine and dine themselves into oblivion. (A peril that I personally face every single day in this accursed city.) You flash the bat sign in the skies over Fort Lauderdale and Batman’s liable to show up sipping a frozen rum drink and looking like someone had stuffed a pillow under his superhero tights.

This town does seem to suffer a special penchant for making it onto ignominious lists. In 2015, the Orkin pest control company named the Fort Lauderdale-Miami region as the 13th rattiest metropolitan area in the nation. (While Orlando, home of the most famous rodent in America, didn’t even make the top 20.)

CNBC, using 2011 stats from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, named Fort Lauderdale as the nation’s most dangerous city for drivers, which pairs nicely with our fourth-in-the-nation ranking as the most dangerous metro region for pedestrians. We’re second to San Francisco as the priciest city in the nation for dog owners. (My dog Jasper begs to differ.)

Last year, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ranked the Fort LauderdaleMiami region as first in the nation both HIV and syphilis infections. I suppose that means we’re No. 1 in unprotected sex.

South Florida’s tops in identity theft, mortgage fraud and Medicare fraud. We’re fourth in boat thefts. The New Times reports that South Florida leads the nation in millennials who still live with their parents, which probably makes us No. 1 in parents of millennials seeking therapy.

On the positive side, the real estate website Movoto has named Fort Lauderdale one of the 10 most exciting mid-sized cities in America. Of course, considering the danger, Mosul, Iraq, could also claim to be a pretty exciting town.

Forbes, back in 2011, named Fort Lauderdale the second happiest city for young professionals in the nation. I’m guessing that’s a byproduct of living in the most dangerous city in America. Our yuppies are just damn happy to be alive.

Fred Grimm