’Shroom for improvement How to saute mushrooms to crispy, browned perfection

Remember when Alice ate that mushroom in Wonderland?

“What can all that green stuff be?’ said Alice. “And where have my shoulders got to? And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can’t see you?”

Oh, dearie, dear, dear. Poor Alice. If only she’d boned up on the works of Timothy Leary before she listened to that Caterpillar.

No bother, though, because our mushrooms are of another sort altogether, and today we’ll discuss how various levels of heat affect our scrumptious fungus. dumpling. Sweated mushrooms may even look a bit gray, as if they’ve just been accused of murdering the butler.

Here’s what you do to saute mushrooms:

Cut mushrooms into bite-size pieces: slices, quarters, halves. If they’re small, you can saute them whole, like grasshoppers.

Place your sauteuse over a flame in the likes of which the souls of your mortal enemies will roast eternally. When the pan is nearly smoking, like Willie Nelson, add just enough fat to coat the bottom. (A note about fat: I love clarified butter, but any highsmoke-point oil will work: canola, peanut, grapeseed oil, etc.)

Spread your mushrooms evenly over the bottom of the pan, no more than two layers deep, like an “SNL” after-party. In other words: Don’t overcrowd the pan. Here’s why: Cold mushrooms cool down your hot pan, causing them to sweat instead of saute.

Now, dig this: Once you add the ’shrooms to the pan, don’t touch them. Oh, I know you, and your inclination is to shake the pan or grab a spoon or spatula and poke a little, shake a little, poke a little, shake a little, poke, poke, poke, shake a lot, poke a little more.

Don’t you do it, though. Not with a spoon, not with a knife, not with a spatula, not on your life. You should not poke them here or there. You should not poke them anywhere.

I really shouldn’t have slammed that third martini.

Anyway, wait a minute until the pan comes back up to temperature, then leave it a bit longer, until the mushrooms start to brown.

Season with salt and a grind of pepper. You could even add a bit of minced garlic or shallots.

When your mushrooms are nicely seasoned and brown on the bottom, toss or stir them in the pan. They’ll be done in under a minute, after which you can serve them immediately over a seared rib-eye, stir them into your favorite sauce or hold onto them to make omelets tomorrow morning.

Place a sauteuse pan over high heat. When the pan is nearly smoking, add just enough fat to coat the bottom.

Spread mushrooms evenly in the pan, no more than two layers deep to ensure they will brown not steam.