Family’s presence vital but lacking

Dear Amy: My husband died about four years ago. He died suddenly two days before his 50th birthday from an aggressive form of blood cancer.

At the time, my older sister and my mom were in Korea, my younger brother in Hong Kong and my younger sister was local but pregnant. No one came to be with me.

A few months later, we had a memorial service. It was beautiful. However, none of my immediate family attended.

I can’t understand why they couldn’t have sent at least one person to be there for me. My mom visits from Korea to help my younger sister with her children. Why couldn’t she come for me?

My children are doing well. My older son (age 25) has been loving and supportive toward his 11-year-old sister. My husband’s side of the family has been supportive, and I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law.

However, after almost four years, these feelings toward my family have started to surface and I don’t know how to deal with it. — Resentful

Dear Resentful: Your husband’s family is loving and supportive. Their warmth might have triggered questions for you about your own family.

It might help you to release your feelings if you express yourself to your family members. You can say to your mother, “Mom, I want you to know that I wish you had come to be with me during the toughest time of my life. I miss you and I needed you.” She may offer up an excuse, or she may say, “Oh, you’re right, and I’m so sorry.”

I’m not sure why a pregnancy would keep your local sister away from you during this tragic period, or why no family members could come to be with you for a memorial service that was planned well in advance. Some people have no conception of how vital their presence is, until you tell them. Learning that you needed and wanted them might clarify their role in your life.

Your feelings are valid. You should express yourself. What you shouldn’t do is attach any particular expectation to how they might react, or necessarily expect them to behave differently.