Hated robocallers still proliferate despite laws, fines and public anger

Americans are suffering, on average, almost 10 automated calls a month.

I ignore the telephone. Just don’t answer.

Sometimes I wonder what calls I’m missing. Congratulations from the Pulitzer Committee? My late rich uncle’s probate lawyer? Catherine ZetaJones letting me know that she’s finally dumped Michael? Donald Trump hitting me up for dating advice?

But I let it ring. Just ignore incoming calls. Sure, each unrequited ring sends a little jolt of urgency down my spine, but I ain’t picking up. I’ve become the opposite of Pavlov’s pup. When the bell sounds, I do nothing. Nothing but seethe.

My landline — like yours — has been corrupted by a plague of robocalls, telemarketers, lowdown scammers. (Not to mention recorded messages from political candidates intent on blackening opponents’ reputations.) Robots offer to unclog my air conditioning ducts, clean my non-existent carpets, install a home security system, sell me old folks’ insurance, extend my car warranty.

Actual, sleazy humans add more unwanted voices to the telephonic clamor. They threaten. Send a $2,341 money order to atone for my unpaid taxes or face prosecution, jail and deportation. (Nothing’s scarier than my forced repatriation to West Virginia. After three IRS calls, the threats go flat.) Self-described U.S. marshals demand a thousand in cash because I ignored a jury summons. His Appalachian twang was no more convincing than the IRS agent’s accent, right out of “Slumdog Millionaire.”

Counterfeit Microsoft reps with their own bouquet of accents are “needing to notify you about a very major security breach” in my Windows operating system. All I need do is allow him remote access to my computer.

I’d jettison my nuisance land line altogether, except if I unravel my phone-cableinternet bundle, I’ll pay more for less. Besides, robocallers have now added my cellphone to their suckers’ list.

Not that unscrupulous opportunists are new to technology. In her book, “When Old Technologies Were New: Thinking About Electric Communication in the Late Nineteenth Century,” Carolyn Marvin of the Annenberg School for Communication recalled the words of Chicago’s famed police inspector Black Jack Bonfield, after his department confronted its first major crime abetted by telephone. “It is a well-known fact that no other section of the population avail themselves more readily and speedily of the latest triumphs of science than the criminal class,” Bonfield told a Chicago Herald reporter in 1988. “The educated criminal skims the cream from every new invention, if he can make use of it.”

In the 21st century, they’re skimming a billion spoonfuls at a time.

Phone companies have introduced automated call blocking tools. Last year, the FCC approved new rules allowing service providers to block robocalls designed that look benign on ID screens. About 229 million frustrated Americans have added our names to the Federal Trade Commission’s Do Not Call Registry. Yet, 3.36 billion unwanted telemarketing calls tormented Americans last month, a 34 percent increase over April, 2017.

At least, I can enjoy meager revenge by stringing along the live scammers, pretending to be a willing sucker. But robot callers are no damn fun.

Americans are suffering, on average, almost 10 automated calls a month. The call blocking service YouMail reported that those of us in the 954 and 305 area codes are getting way more than our share.

Maybe we should blame homeboy Adrian Abramovich for that unhappy distinction. The Federal Communications Commission fined Abramovich $120 million last fall as “the perpetrator of one of the largest — and most dangerous — illegal robocalling campaigns that the Commission has ever investigated, making nearly 100 million robocalls in just a three-month period.” (Sadly, the Washington Post reports, that the feds only collect a small percentage of the fines levied against robo violators.)

The deluge of automated calls coming out of Abramovich’s Coconut Grove operation — misleading spiels peddling chintzy vacation packages — were so incessant, according to the FCC, that they disrupted “lines reserved for emergency services, such as hospital and fire and police stations.”

Abramovich defended his business plan last month during a U.S. Senate committee hearing. According to Gizmodo, he testified that 96 percent of his calls were “less than one minute” and less than two percent of people “had any meaningful interaction” with the calls.

“The majority of those calls do not bother anyone,” Abramovich insisted.

Those of us on the receiving end of 3.36 billion robocalls last month would beg to differ.