Water weirdness

You’re still drinking coconut water? What is this, 2015? Birch water is so last year. Don’t even talk to me about aloe water. We obviously need new waters, so let’s dive right in: There’s Bee’s Water, a honey-sweetened water that is “full of natural energy.” Then there’s Sap on Tap, a maple water whose motto goes for the jugular: “Out with coconut water. In with maple tree water.” One of its waters comes with yerba mate, for a natural caffeine boost. The aforementioned GoLive is a “live probiotic water,” and it’s interactive: Press a compartment on the cap and release the live probiotics into the water, shake it and enjoy your ensuing gut health.

But wait, here comes the mic drop of waters: organic water.

You fools have been drinking conventional, nonorganic water your whole lives; do you even know what you’ve been missing? A company named Asarasi makes sparkling water that is harvested as a byproduct from maple sap, and because it is filtered through the tree, it has achieved USDA organic certification, something that regular water does not have (water is an inorganic compound). It tastes like sparkling water.

Last: an Israeli company called O. Vine is making wine grape water, a sparkling water that gets its slight wine flavor from grape skins. I regret to inform you that it has no alcohol in it. I will continue drinking my own version of grape water: It’s called wine.