Demote groomsman to avoid dilemma

Dear Amy: My fiance and I are trying to decide if we have to invite the “significant other” of one of his groomsmen to our wedding next summer.

The groomsman, “Mark,” recently got back together with his ex. All of Mark’s friends despise her.

During their two-year relationship she was emotionally, and physically, abusive toward Mark. She isolated him from his friends.

When they broke up we were relieved to see him acting like himself again.

During the year they broke up, my fiancé and I got engaged and asked him to be a groomsman. When Mark brought her out after getting back together, she didn’t say congratulations or acknowledge our engagement.

We are trying to be pleasant toward her, but I am always frustrated and upset after we interact. I have no desire to be anywhere near this girl on my wedding day.

As the significant other of a groomsman, she would have access to us at showers, rehearsal dinner, etc., and she is not someone we want to share any of these onetime special events with.

However, not inviting her could seriously damage our relationship with Mark and with them as a couple in the future if they do stay together. What do we do? — Bewildered Bride

Dear Bride: This is a tragic aspect of having someone in your life who is enmeshed in an abusive relationship: to a certain extent, loved ones must find a way to tolerate the intolerable, in order to maintain contact with the abused party.

You could pointedly not invite her, but then Mark would likely bow out. And, if she is the manipulative, isolating and abusive partner as you claim, your friendship with Mark might end. Another option would be to basically demote Mark from official groomsman to honored guest.