Wife fed up with husband’s flowers

Dear Amy: A few months ago, I was upset with my husband, and he sent me flowers. I told him it was a nice gesture, but I would rather not get flowers because I think it is a waste of money, and flowers eventually have to be thrown out.

It was my birthday recently, and he asked me what I wanted. I couldn’t think of anything. (We’ve been married for 15 years and I have usually bought my own birthday presents.) So, he got me flowers again.

I asked him if he remembered I would rather not get flowers. He said he remembered, but he wanted me to know he was thinking about me and didn’t know what to get me.

I’m upset! I feel like he doesn’t listen to me or take me seriously. Am I making too big a deal out of it? Should I just be happy with the flowers? — Upset Wife

Dear Upset Wife: I wonder why you are being so mean to the person who is trying so hard to acknowledge and please you.

I see a guy who perhaps has not tried hard enough for 15 years. He is trying now. And you are telling him, “No thanks.”

Flowers have symbolic and romantic meaning. The man who sends you flowers might be simply making the least imaginative gesture, or he might be trying very hard to romance you. You obviously choose the most negative spin, but when I read your narrative, I think about his efforts to connect with you. He is also asking you for direction, and you are refusing to provide any.

Of course, this isn’t really about gifts offered and received ungraciously. This is about connection. Your husband is trying. And if the thing you want most of all is to have a conversation about connection, then tag — you’re it. You should start by acknowledging his efforts, and apologizing for your own behavior.