Daughter has a ‘Brad’ problem

Dear Amy: I am a 36-year-old mother. My daughter, “Stacy,” is 18. Her boyfriend, “Brad,” is 30.

Stacy and Brad have been together for a year. He moved in with us as soon as they started dating.

Why did I allow this in the first place?

Brad drinks too much and doesn’t contribute financially to the household.

But my daughter, who had depression and severe anxiety, is happy and doing amazingly well right now.

I am done supporting the boyfriend, but my daughter can’t understand why I’m frustrated.

Can you offer your feedback? — Done Mom

Dear Done: No. You should never have allowed your teen daughter’s adult boyfriend to move into your home. But it’s a true fact that few families operate according to an ideal blueprint. You may have felt that having him in your home was safer than her running away and living with him. And you would have been right.

I take it that you believe that “Stacy’s” relief from her depression and anxiety is tied to her boyfriend’s presence in the household. If you believe this, then it unfortunately ties both you and your daughter to him. And please don’t let Brad be in charge of your life!

Your daughter might be maturing into a more emotionally stable state. At 18, her brain is still developing. She should seek a professional diagnosis and therapy, even though she is feeling well right now.

For now, provide shelter and food. Never give spending money for any purpose. Your daughter and Brad need to find work, and then (in perhaps six months), if you no longer want them in your household, they will need to move elsewhere. Make sure Stacy knows that you are not punishing her or giving up on her — but that it is time for her to start living her own life — with you in her corner, as always.