Mother’s affair with student shocks child

Dear Amy: When I was 16, our family had a foreign student come live with us on a summer exchange program. He was also 16. He wanted to stay beyond his visa, so my parents arranged to take legal guardianship of him.

It was very stressful having him move into our family.

Six months following the guardianship, my parents divorced. Eventually, my siblings and I grew up and all left home, except the boy, who lived at home with our mother until he was 24.

The now-adult guy recently contacted me to apologize for “ruining my family,” disclosing that he was my mother’s boyfriend.

In shock, I called my mother, and she insisted that this relationship was consensual and only occurred when he had turned 18.

Do you have any advice for me for how to move forward? — Still in Shock

Dear Still in Shock: Because she was his guardian, with all legal parental control over him until he turned 18, what your mother did was creepy, wrong and possibly illegal. And regardless of the legality, her actions also seem to have directly led to the breakup of your family.

Your mother’s former lover may have contacted you because he is having his #MeToo moment. Perhaps he is trying to take responsibility for the impact of his own behavior, while also grappling with the impact of your mother’s behavior on his own life.

Do you think a foreign student who was basically in a powerless situation was able to fully consent? Or does this man believe that he manipulated and used your mother? (It’s a possibility.)

Don’t let your mother negate your own natural reaction. Yes, communicate with her. Be honest about your conflicted feelings. But your biggest job is to find a way to accept the truth and to cope with it. A therapist could help.