Husband wants to smoke pot freely

Dear Amy: My husband and I are at a crossroads. I learned several years ago that he had been smoking marijuana daily for nearly the whole of our 25-year marriage. I always knew he used pot, but I had no idea of the extent.

He finally said he wanted to be able to smoke freely. I agreed to this, and then I was shocked. He smoked in the morning, at night, on walks, on the porch after dinner and on dates. It began to make me feel as though he needed to be high to get through our life together.

He says he spoke with his doctor about it, and his doctor was not concerned. Pot is now legal in our state.

He says that he’s an adult who can make his own decisions and that it shouldn’t matter to me because it does not alter his personality. He does not want to talk to our family counselor about it. Should I give it time, or make my own decision? — Too High-Minded?

Dear High-Minded:

Your husband seems to have become dependent on (or addicted to) marijuana.

His statement: “I’m an adult and I can use if I want” is correct. He is an adult and he gets to make choices.

You are also an adult, and you get to make choices, too. He will not quit his pot use because you want him to. He will only quit if he wants to.

You ask if you should give it time, or make your own decision, but I think you should give it time AND make your own decision.

He may be able to modulate his use. Are you open to this? But if his pot smoking affects your life in intolerable ways, then you may need to leave the relationship.

While you are pondering your options, you should stop bargaining with him. Detach from his choices and focus on yourself. A “friends and family” support group could help you.